why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
