Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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