I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
