So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Randomize
