People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
