woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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