Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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