brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
