He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
everyone is single if you try hard enough
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
this hospital has no fireball
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
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