why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
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