The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
