Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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