He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
