My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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