in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
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