What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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