I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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