allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
