1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
