So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
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