I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
