I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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