chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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