I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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