oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
