Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
