Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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