They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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