if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
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