Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
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he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
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There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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