I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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