ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
