mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
