I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
