did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
