you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
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