Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
