Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
