apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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