I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
