when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
