My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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