Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
