my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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