You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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