im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Your penis caused this!
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