Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
if only i could text you this smell
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
