I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
