Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
