Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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