Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
