Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
