cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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