I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
