I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
