I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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