My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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